Personally Speaking: Holding onto hope

By Rebecca Lyn Phillips

I grew up in a happy, middle class home. My father was a communications professor and part-time pastor. My mother was a stay-at-home mom with a home medical transcription business. I also have a younger sister and we have always been very close.

I functioned well until my teen years. I attended a private school and received good grades and was involved in school musicals and plays. I pushed myself to perform and do well, and learned from a young age the importance of not giving up and having faith. 

However, at about age 16 I started to get more introspective and depressed. My family was very worried about me. I was acting strangely. I couldn’t function anymore and I felt like I couldn’t connect to my feelings. I became paranoid and slept in my bedroom closet to escape the onslaught of negative emotions that were coming at me. I thought my dad hated me and I eventually tried to kill myself due to my anxiety. 

My parents drove me from Topeka, Kan. to a psychiatric hospital in Tulsa, Okla. to try to get me help. I remember that drive as being the longest drive in history. 

After I returned from that hospitalization, I tried to function for many years but struggled. I went from job to job and class to class. Then in the winter of 2006, I hit another low point. I threw all my medication down the toilet because I didn’t want to take it anymore. I thought the voices were telling me to be totally independent from my mom because I thought she was controlling me. She wanted me to be in treatment and I didn’t want to be.

My sister was worried about me, too. My mom and sister drove me to University of Kansas Hospital. I was admitted, and it was there that my journey changed for the better. I was put on a bimonthly injection for schizophrenia and I started to feel again. 

When I came back from the hospital, I started seeing a social worker at New Beginnings Healthcare in Topeka, and I have continued to see for almost 14 years now. He has been so kind and has helped me to understand my feelings and how they drive my behavior.

Faith has been a big part of my recovery. Prayer helps me feel like I am not alone and it helps me connect to something bigger than myself. By giving my problems to someone greater than myself, I can find health by learning to care for myself and trust the process of emotional and spiritual healing. 

In 2011, I was in a documentary called Living with Schizophrenia. The documentary is about me and two others who have schizophrenia and tells our stories of struggle and hope. Dr. Xavier Amador, a psychologist who started the LEAP Institute and educates others on how to deal with mental health crises, was also featured in the film. The documentary shows that recovery is possible and I hope it inspires people to not give up. 

I am not cured or totally recovered. However, I am on a beautiful journey, and with the encouragement of my family, I will not give up. I still get scared about the future, but I know that I am only doing my best and that is all I can do.  Now I start each day with faith in my heart and a dose of gratitude with my coffee.  I take one thing at a time and try to celebrate the little triumphs.  I know I can’t conquer each day all at once, so I also reach out and get help and support from my family and friends.  

There is hope. There is recovery. I know that people care. With compassion comes healing. And to me that is what it’s all about.  I would hope that anyone reading this would know that just having faith in the process of recovery and the little triumphs in the journey make trying each day worthwhile.  In reaching out and practicing gratitude and acceptance, one can see a new day.

Rebecca Lyn Phillips is a published author, former community blogger for the Topeka Capital-Journal, and public speaker.